I found this online and it made me think of my Papaw's death.
It totally explains what I am going through.
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April 25, 2005
Grandpa's death
Susan Beisner, 18, IMed this piece about the death of her grandpa to a friend; Susan's mom Debby sent it to me for possible publication. I found it moving:
"We were so ready for him to go and he was in such horrible confusion and pain, we just wanted him to go. And now he's in heaven with his mind. He is once again the man he was and so much more. He can laugh again, talk again, joke again, reason again, worship again; he's been reunited with Grandma; he's with his Savior. The death that clouded his mind for so many years and got heavier and heavier-- It's been conquered.
I have been almost unable to look at him for about a year. Too painful. I've struggled with that in my own heart--Is it selfish? Stupid? But I just couldn't. I'd be repulsed whenever I saw him. During his last couple of months it was worse and this morning--oh! this morning! We knew he wasn't going to live the day but I was not really believing it. And when I saw him in bed he looked so much like death. I started crying and Mom told me I should go say goodbye to him. That shocked me and I said I didn't want to and feebly asked, "He's not going to die yet!?" But she said I should and so I did.
I didn't want to, didn't think I could, but God gave me the grace and I went and kissed his forehead and touched him and told him I loved him and he opened his eyes and sort of looked at me and I just cried and left. But now that's he's gone, and though I saw his body after he died, that's not what I see. For the first time in years when I think of him the first thing that comes to mind is the tall, straight, handsome man I adored when I was a little kid. The one who taught me so much and loved me so well. It's really amazing.
So these are happy tears. They are tears of amazement and joy that God has given me this vision now. The hideousness that has been in our home over the past year--It's been so horrible--It's like it's all been redeemed. Conquered. Defeated. Defied. It's over. Death has no sting, true. It is the last enemy, true. But it is still an enemy. It's scary."
I love you, papaw.
Allison
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